I grew up in the generation of Star Trek. The opening credits spoke of the crew that were “To boldly go where no one has gone before!” Unchartered space. Being bold is something that I am working on. To not only do the things that I haven’t done before but things that I was afraid to do because it might hurt someone’s feelings or that it might ruffle some feathers. Let me try to explain myself….
I am a people pleaser, I have been since a very young age. I am the youngest of two other sisters. When I was young I often did what they did just so they would include me. I knew that at times I was being manipulated just for their enjoyment. (They would have me go places just so that they wouldn’t be alone, or having me there was the only way that my parents would let them go). As I grew up I learned to do what other people wanted to do. I didn’t rock the boat. I didn’t see this as a terrible thing since I was being able to experience things as well. But as I have gotten older I realized that when I was with a group of people I usually conformed. Again this was not a terrible thing since the friends that I hung out with were “good kids who did not get in trouble”.
When I got married to my first husband his friends were my friends and I really didn’t have a lot of friends of my own. I still talked to my friends from high school some but not as much as I would have if I wasn’t spending as much time with my husbands friends. It wasn’t until after my divorce, from a twenty four year relationship, that I had to start making decisions for myself. As I write this I sound like I was being controlled but it was more accurate to say that I was being passive. I just didn’t want to make waves. I lacked the boldness that I wanted to have. The desire to speak up for myself the desire to do things with friends that I had.
So, here I was at 43 years old doing my own thing. And I was starting to like it. I bought cars that I wanted, I bought a house that I wanted, I took jobs without asking anyone else what they thought. But I still lacked boldness. I was afraid of doing the wrong thing.
Two years ago at the age of 54 I went back for my Masters Degree. I finally gained the confidence to return to Graduate school. During my time I learned a lot of information about counseling, human development, and human behavior. During those two years though the most helpful thing that I learned, were things about myself. I learned to be more confident in my abilities, thanks to my advisor and my internship supervisor. With their encouragement and support I was able to step out of my comfort zone and do some things that I would have never imagined that I was capable of doing. This Blog is an example of one of the many things that I do that is outside of my comfort zone. I have learned to take chances. Do things that I have never tried before. Give myself permission to fail and learn.
What a wonderful experience this Boldness has been for me. To allow myself to try things that are different, and new, and exciting. To Boldly go where “I” have never been before.